Plastic Barbie Girl

Today, I was a Barbie. The whole world was fake. I cut my wrists and it felt like cutting through soft plastic; the blood was red paint. I knew that I could cut and cut and no matter what I could just stand there and watch it bleed. I knew that if I was hit by a car while biking I would skid into the middle of the intersection and I would lay there, still, plastic arms and legs akimbo, plastic smile in place. Eyes blinking but otherwise perfectly still. And nothing would hurt. I would lay there, plastic but alive, feeling nothing at all.

Everything was fake, like I was in a little diorama and after I slid into the intersection I would be picked up by whoever was playing with the diorama and I would be put, plastic arms and legs still twisted, into the box and way.

I wanted to lay face up on the concrete in front of the library with my arms and legs spread wide like I was going to make a snow angel. I wanted to lay there with the half grin playing along my lips that just won’t leave and let the light rain fall down onto me with my eyes wide open. And everyone would ignore me, they would just keep walking by my plastic body and the buildings and the sky above would spin because right now, they are trembling, but the spinning is coming soon.

And I wanted to climb up to the gargoyle head on the roof lip of the library and wave to it and tip myself over the edge with my arms spread wide, flying down until I crashed into the concrete and then through it.

Everything was so fake today I knew that no matter what happened to me, I wouldn’t die. I would just stay plastic and frozen and plastered with a half smile, blinking wide and feeling nothing.

And because I knew that, I wanted to cut myself and watch, to crash my bike into the intersection, to jump off the building, or a bridge. I wanted to die and be revealed as the plastic Barbie doll I am. Besides, feeling nothing and everything is nice. I was numb and yet I stared at the raindrops in wonder and relished them hitting my skin, as though they were the most curious thing I had ever seen. I wanted to be soaked through.

But we don’t always get what we want, do we?